Top 5 Useless Post Screening Questions

One of the great things about Hot Docs is the opportunity to watch a film and then immediately engage the director in discussion. The Q&A part of a screening is often entertaining, and depending on the candor of the film maker you can learn a good deal about the documentary business. There are some discussions, however, that turn south pretty quick. Sometimes directors give boring pat answers to questions. Some use the open mic as an excuse to tell you every little inspiration they had for every single shot of their film.

The other side of the Q&A equation, the audience, is also to blame when a discussion becomes useless or just plain boring. At times I secretly enjoy crappy questions because it forces the director into an awkward, polite dance to answer the question without looking snide or frustrated. The old schoolyard rule of "no stupid questions" is not enforced at post screening discussions. I now present a list I've made of the top five stupid or useless questions asked at Hot Docs. These are questions I have heard, in some variation, at many of the screenings I've attended. They are presented in "types" of questions, not exact words (try using a funny reading voice in your head. It'll work better). You may recongnize a few and if you can think of any more please feel free to share them in the comments section.

Hot Docs Top 5 Useless Post Screening Questions

#5 - The Ass Kisser: Well, I don't know about anyone else in the audience, but let me tell you Mr. Director that you are completely right. I agree entirely with everything you said and everything you think. You are such an amazing visonary and I am a film maker myself so I appreciate how brilliant you really are. I know because I make films how hard it is to do what you did. Really, really, really impressive... (This guy dosen't have a question. He just wants everyone to know that he is the number one fan in the room, or maybe he's just looking for a job. Bonus points if he is a white dude with dreds)

#4 - The "I've Read a Book" Guy: Hello. That was satisfactory work. It would appear to me that your central idea reflects the theories of ___ (film maker you only barely recognize even though you went to film school). As you know, ___ was inspired mainly by the written works of ___ (author you've never heard of - notice that the person on stage looks confused). Now I don't mean to be contradictorian (sic), but how do you explain the dichotomy between your theories and the theories of these lesser known artists?

#3 - That Dude at Every Screening Who Needs to Say Something to Feel Important: Where will you be distributing your film? (As in, where can I see this movie I just saw? And no, I will not write down your answer and yes, I will forget everything you said five seconds after I leave this theatre).

#2 - The Lady who Wants You to Know that she REALLY Cares: Now I know you spent seven years following the plight of armless, legless, orphan gorillas but I really want to do something to help. I want action, not just a film. Do you know where I can send bananas? I cannot just let those gorillas die like everyone else. I care... Hey everyone! Look at how much I care!... I want to do something real about this problem I knew nothing about before tonight. I am commited to talking in great lengths in front of all these people about how much I care.

And finally, the number one useless question at a Hot Docs Q&A...

#1 - All Time Useless Question for Posers: Why did you choose to concentrate on ___ (obvious topic readily apparent from title and synopsis of film), instead of ___(completely obscure niche topic most people would never want to watch a film about)? This question is always followed by a smug smile like the questioner thought of something so brilliant he expects the film maker's head to explode.

So there you have it - useless and stupid audience questions. Did I forget something?