Killing me won’t bring back your Honey! Reflections on a Nicolas Cage Movie Night

There are many stars in Hollywood. Some actors are emotional powerhouses that deliver poignant and affecting performances. Others send hearts aflutter with charm, charisma and good looks. Yet another actor is Nicolas Cage. Recently, we decided to dedicate an evening to the recent works of Mr. Cage with a triple bill of National Treasure, The Wicker Man, and Ghost Rider. When the lights went down we were hoping for a passable evening of entertainment. When the lights came up six hours later we emerged slightly bewildered but forever changed by the awesome appeal of this man and his ridiculous films. Here are some quick reviews...

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National Treasure - In this fun adventure Nicholas Cage plays a suave (?) and brilliant (?!) history buff who is trying to prove his family’s good name, steal the Declaration of Independence, and also find a giant room stuffed with treasure. He woos a strangely Nordic girlfriend, mentors an improbably hot computer geek, and learns to accept weirdo dad Jon Voight. In other movies, the “treasure” sought at the beginning of the film would transform into a metaphor about the immaterial elements that give our lives meaning. Cage would start out trying to find a bunch of money, but would learn through a series of revelations that the real treasure is the love of his family, or learning to help others, or some crap like that. In this movie, the treasure is literally a giant room full of gold and Cage learns absolutely nothing. It's awesome.


Best Nicholas Cage Quote: I just really thought I was gonna find the treasure.
State of Nicholas Cage's Hair: Kind of mesmerising. Receding hairline present not only on the top of his head, but also above the ears. It's what I like to call the "lobotomy haircut".

Look over there! Treasure!

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The Wicker Man: Oh, how I wanted to see this movie. I read a hilarious review on the Onion AV Club, and it really had me psyched. When I read that the plot basically devolves to Cage in a bear suit, running around and punching random women in the face, I realised I had to own a copy of this DVD for future prosperity. As with anything so anticipated, the actuality was a little disappointing. Sure, Nicolas Cage starts at an emotionally tense point and then becomes steadily, and hilariously, more agitated until he's just screaming every single one of his lines. Sure, there's a creepy island full of stoic women who practice a Goddess-centric religion that may or may not include human sacrifice. But personally, I felt there was too much build up of an incomprehensible plot, and too little kicking bar maids through walls. It is a weirdly entertaining movie. Not scary, but creepy. Not good, but almost so bad it's good... Okay, it's good.

The ladies of Summersisle don't want to bee friends. Get it? BEE?!

Best Nicolas Cage Quote: "How'd it get burned? How'd it get burned?! HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED, HOW'D IT GET BURNED?!" Also see the title of this article, the infamous "KILLING ME WON'T BRING BACK YOUR GODDAMNED HONEY!". This was followed in the film with "AAAAHHH! MY LEGS!! AAAHHHGGG!" Intrigued? Yeah, I know you are.
State of Nicolas Cage's Hair: I was too distracted by "THE BEES! OH GOD THEY'RE IN MY EYES!" to notice his hair.

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Ghost Rider: Nicolas Cage is really in his crazy ass element in this comic book flick. He plays a guy who sold his soul to the devil when he was young and impossibly good looking. When the kid becomes older (and transforms into Cage), he becomes a flaming skull of justice - the Ghost Rider - who has to drive around the city on his hell spawn bike and use a chain lasso to capture escaped demons from hell who... oh, never mind. It's not really important. What's important is that Cage gave his character special quirky attributes like a love of the Carpenters (still creepy after all these years), and a penchant for eating jelly beans out of a martini glass. Now that there is some fancy character development. Bonus points also go for featuring Peter Fonda as the devil, and Sam Elliot as a grizzled cemetery caretaker. I love Sam Elliot but he really needs to keep up with the facial hair. He grows a beard up to his eyeballs.



Best Nicolas Cage Quote: He may have my soul, but he doesn't have my spirit.
State of Nicolas Cage's Hair: Pretty nice! The rug / weave / unholy alliance between forehead and bangs that Cage sports has a nice younger look. I have to say, I was impressed. Also, there's a scene where he's not wearing a shirt that must be noted because, honestly, the guy has muscles you never thought possible. Oh God. I'm crushing on Nicolas Cage.

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So I think that's about all I want to write about Nicolas Cage. Ever. I would recommend all of these films, especially grouped together with home-made pizza, spirited drinks, and a desire to have a few good laughs. They are not necessarily good films, but they are entertaining. And sometimes that's all you want on a cold winter night.